Review of "Don't Fuck in the Woods" (2016)

When I first got the screener of “Don’t Fuck in the Woods”, I had only a day before been dumped by the love of my life. I was worried that watching a bunch of fun-loving couples get horny and freak on each other beside the campfire for an hour and a half would be too depressing for my broken heart.

Luckily, just as that little bit of sadness started creeping in while the first horny couple fumbled out of their clothes – and I started to think, “Oh God, I miss her… if only we had one more night together… one romantic night in the woods… [choke, sob]… one more night to prove — Oh Snap!” Disembowelment mid-coitus!

Seeing these couples getting slaughtered in the midst of passion was actually lifting my spirits. “Maybe,” I thought, “just maybe my ex and her new lover will be massacred before he gets a chance to make her cum, too.” A man can hope – and that is the mark of a good film – it gives the watcher a sense of fulfillment. In that regard, “Don’t Fuck in the Woods” is a smashing success.

- Read the Full Review at BeaverMedia.net -

Review of "Name" - a Short Post-Zombie-Apocalypse Film

What’s in a name? For our lead protagonist, the one thing she can’t remember about the man she loved, a man who died violently from an outbreak that decimated the human race, is his name. All the memories of shared laughs, tears, and lust are there — but why can she not just remember his name?

The irony of this short film, directed by Jeremy M. Brown, is that neither the man or the woman who are the focus of this story, have a name. They are credited neatly as “Woman” and “Man”. But as Woman continues to dwell over emotional memories of what love and life were like before the end of mankind, which has left her stranded and alone in a desolate world, she struggles to remember just that one last detail: what was his name?

- Read the Full Review at BeaverMedia.net - 

Review of "The Mayo Conspiracy"

Promoted as a mockumentary of the seedy underbelly of the condiment industry, The Mayo Conspiracy highlights the cartel referred to as “Big Mayo” and their grip on America’s condiment usage. How much power could Big Mayo hold over the public? If you believe the facts revealed in this film, Big Mayo had hands in some of the biggest events in American history, from the JFK Assassination, to the CIA’s clandestine attack on the ghettos, to the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal, and the most recent controversy over the newly passed Affordable Care Act promoted by President Obama.

The white devil’s condiment is just one tool wielded by the condiment establishment to keep control over the populace, but it’s unobtrusive nature makes it one of the most powerful. The typical citizen may not have any idea how ingrained in our society mayo has become, and while this film is satirical in nature, this reviewer believes that the filmmakers have used their jokes to hide some disturbing facts in a way that gets the word out to investigative viewers while protecting themselves from the mayo cartel’s vengeance.

- Read the Full Review at BeaverMedia.net - 

Review of "The Throbbit"

I know what you’re thinking already, yes “The Throbbit” is a “re-imagining” of “The Hobbit”, but definitely not the XXX version I originally thought by the title. This feature-length spoof film just barely ranks around a PG-13. It contains a good bit of adult humor, but in the way of innuendos and word-play rather than anything explicit.

Now, I may not be the best reviewer to write about a film that spoofs a trilogy (I only saw the first and fell asleep mid-way) which itself is based on a classic book (that I haven’t read). My apologies if I miss glaringly obvious references to the original material (either Tolkien or Jackson). What I can appreciate, though, is the grand set design, costuming, puppetry, and for the micro-budget fan film that this is, the achievements in special effects and camerawork that were able to pull the audience into just as magical of worlds as the Peter Jackson films (I did see the trailers at least, as well as the LOR Trilogy).

Director Timothy Alan Richardson did not have the production team and post-production studios that Peter Jackson did, however he still manages to bring Dweebs, Gooblins (more than just goblins), a David Bowie inspired Gooblin King, flying beagles, a nation of Elfises in a Las Vegas style Rippendell, and a drag(on) queen to life.

- Read the Full Review at BeaverMedia.net - 

Review of "The Jersey Devil"

* Finally, a Faith-Based Christian Film with some meat to it! *

“The Jersey Devil” plays fast and loose with the details of any particular biblical source, but that doesn’t make this film any less worthy as a spiritual guide to help viewers on a path towards an afterlife without all the guilt associated with following any moral code.

Starring Jack Mulcahy as Lucifer and Keith Collins as James Burnett, the demented soul who is recruited to take over the reigns of Hell from Lucifer so that he can retire and enjoy himself a little bit. Along for the ride is Richard (Edvin Ortega), a recently lost soul with a crippling porn addiction and no backbone who James recruits to be his new Devil’s Advocate. Once Lucifer hands over the keys to the kingdom below, James’ first order of business is to relocate Hell to somewhere new and put a “fresh face” on Hell to entice more souls. His choice? Jersey City, NJ. Lucifer instantly regrets his decision to retire, and follows the new Satan to drag him back to the original Hell.

Read the Full Review at BeaverMedia.net

The film is being released by the Shami Media Group and will be available in stores and online on October 27th.

Official Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l10SsT9UDWc
On Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jerseydevilmovie

Review of "Nuclear Neighborhood"

“Nuclear Neighborhood” is a film that looks & feels like it came from graduates of Troma University; a sci-fi/horror film made with little budget but plenty of fun and creativity. Within no time, Matthew J Oliver’s film jumps right into the meat & bones of the story.

Dan’s girlfriend is kidnapped by a strange man in a creeper van, and Dan’s friends conclude that she’s being kept in the weird apartment building up the road. Weird because all kinds of unexplained activity and an assortment of trippy, deformed people that seem to inhabit the building. As it turns out, radioactivity is the root cause of the eerie phenomenon, but this info isn’t enough to keep Dan and crew from breaking in to save his girl. As the team splits up, they encounter monsters, booby traps, and misunderstood freaks of nature as they get deeper into the madness and closer to the villain who took Dan’s woman.

Read the Full Review at BeaverMedia.net

“Nuclear Neighbordhood” will be screening at the Art Theatre of Long Beach on Thursday August 6th @ 9pm, The Dark Room Theatre in San Francisco on Sunday Aug 9th @ 7pm, and Movie at LoBot Gallery in Oakland, Ca on Sat August 8th @ 9pm.

Official Trailer: https://youtu.be/4uNr7UxRPDg

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/NuclearNeighbourhoodOfficialMovie

IMDB Page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4526874/

Review of "Intrigue", a Short Film

With light-hearted fun, director Mikel J. Wisler brings the audience into a campy spy thriller, and just when you think you think you’ve figured out each of the possible ways the story can go, he pulls the rug out from you in the most unexpected way, bringing some very authentic laughter and finishing the short movie in a most relatable way.

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Review of "Reverb", a short film

Pill-popper Helia has just lost her boyfriend, and is living in a big empty house all by herself. The first night we meet Helia, she is annoyed by late-night phone call attempts from her ex, “Cupcake” (although she denies to friends having heard from him). Soon, though, she is soon more disturbed by a creepy presence outside her home at night. Could it be her ex, hoping to get some of his things? Could it be some new stalker, or could it just be her imagination? She is a pill-popper, remember… (and over the course of the first 3 days, she doesn’t seem to change her shorts – if I were her boyfriend, I would’ve bailed too). One day, though, when we don’t see Helia take her pills, things start to get a bit more wild, and whomever has been outside her house (or on the fringes of her mind?) gets closer.

Read the Full Review at BeaverMedia.net

Review of "Bounty Killer" - A fun-as-f*** thrill-ride through a dystopian wasteland

In an alternate universe (or the near future), where corporations have taken control over world governments and destroyed civilization through the latest batch of corporate sponsored world wars, the remaining people’s only hope lay in the hands of a select crew of Bounty Killers.

These bounty killers are sanctioned by the grassroots “Council of Nine” to execute all white-collar criminals, and compete with one another to see who can stack up the highest body count (and sign the most autographs for their adoring fans). The two top bounty killers are Drifter (Matthew Marsden) and Mary Death (Christian Pitre), best friends and sometime lovers – but when word gets out that the “Council of Nine” has issued a death warrant for Drifter, Mary Death is forced to decide what matters most – money & fame, or true love.

Read the Full Review at BeaverMedia.net

What is a Movie Review?

I am a big movie buff. My favorite genres include comedy, action, horror, and occasionally sci-fi. That said, I don’t get a chance to go out to the movies as much anymore and therefore I tend to read a lot of user reviews before deciding which film to make the effort for. 

Why user reviews over critic reviews? I think they are just more honest and fun. Also, when looking to brush up on some old cult films or pulp classics, it's good to dig through user reviews to see which likeminded film fans agree are the truly classic films still worth an hour and a half of anyone's time. Horror film franchises especially benefit from the user review community - which saved me from the disasters of movies like "Critters 4" and "Hellraiser 9" ... well I skipped 3 & 4, 6-8, too, but "Hellraiser: Inferno" (2000) wasn't bad for straight-to-video.

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